The rules, briefly: each owner drew two gentlemen seeds, two ladies seeds and one People’s Entrant from the fortnight’s best stories, scored on round wins (seed-tier multiplied), sets (+1 won, −0.5 lost), upsets (+2) and a champion’s garnish. No skill was involved at any stage. This is important later, when Kennedy speaks.
Brett finished on 113.50, a full 13.63 clear of Brian, on the strength of Nosková (70.25, the all-Czech final, youngest champion since Kvitová in 2011) and Struff (25.50, a 36-year-old quarter-finalist who beat Medvedev without dropping a set). The Observer notes, in the interest of balance, that Brett’s other three players — Shelton, Lehecka, Shnaider — managed 17.75 combined, and Shelton lost in round one to a Finnish qualifier. The stork soared anyway.
Brian owned Jannik Sinner — back-to-back champion, 58.00 points, dismantled Djokovic 6-4 6-4 6-4 and outlasted Zverev 6-7 7-6 6-3 6-4 — and still took silver. Platt rode Muchová’s runner-up run (43.75) to third on debut. Kingsley drew Arthur Fery, the British wild card who reached the semi-finals and out-earned half the seeds at ×2.0, and somehow finished sixth, because the hat also gave him Darderi (−1.50) and Svitolina (−1.00).
Kennedy: 37.87 points. Eighth of eight. The hat dealt him Serena Williams, whose comeback at 44 lasted one round and scored a perfect 0.00 — one set won, two lost, the ledger immaculate — plus Medvedev, who was straight-setted by Struff, Brett’s Struff, in round three. Kennedy’s formal complaint, received before the standings finished rendering, runs to fourteen points and alleges, among other things, that the hat “has a history with him.” The Observer has verified the draw: seed 1903, reproducible in open court. The complaint has been noted, filed, and used to line the strawberry punnets.
And yes — the Commissioner. Kirk finished fifth, at 71.88, harmlessly mid-table. Readers of a certain rival broadsheet will know that in the other league’s identical tournament, the Commissioner’s hat handed the Commissioner the champion, the fairytale, and the title by forty-five points. Here, nothing. Opus counsel observes that finishing quietly fifth is precisely what a sophisticated fixer would arrange. Kirk declined to comment, twice, which counsel scored as +2 apiece.